Big Fat Me

Well..We all know that times are hard..And I for one was certainly bitten by the credit crunch ..And always seem to find that there is just too much month left at the end of the money..

But we all have to eat..And having survived this last week on Nutrigrain bar's and Hula Hoop's ..I decided the memory lapses were probably due to lack of vitamins so thought that I had better go grocery shopping..

The hole in the wall said "No chance lady..Overdrawn the overdraft.."..

Great..Ok..Whats in the wallet.. ..Right..*mad count up of all monies in house* ..

Scraped up around £60ish..Was Richer than I thought *smugness* ...And a £6.50 clubcard voucher ~Bonus~

Also discovered a set of 'Money Off' coupons from yesterday Daily Mail..Totalling £11..With a catch of course...

You had to spend a certain amount in each 'Aisle' to qualify for the discount.. ie: Spend £10 on Meat to get £2.50 off.. £8 on Fruit and Veg to save £2..And so on..Covering everytning to household products to sweets!

Anyway..Being the chavvy thrifty shopper that I am... and always seeking out the B.O.G.O.F.s and half price offer's..I really made my 'allocated' spend in each section work for me!

Yes..The shopper behind me was probably chuckling as I patiently checked which voucher was used for what section..How much we had spent and what we were saving ..And constantly adding it up to see if we had hit the discount level yet

Knowing that I only had ..In thoery £66.50 of 'real' money..The trolley was looking a bit too full..And panicking that I might have to put summat back..The shame! ..I had to scan through my trolley and vouchers one more time..

Convinced..but not quite sure..I heads to the checkout..

Watches the total..£80.. *gulps*

Hand's over vouchers.. *mad bleeping*

..plus Multibuy's and B.O.G.O.F discounts..£51..Result!

.. My mathematical's aint so shite after all..And who said shopping was boring

And..I shall eat like queen tonight as I haz real food in now..And strawberries..With cream! *Cream was free!*

Imagine The Scene...

You work in a Chipshop..Just pretend ok!

You are having a giggle with your boss..As you quite often do..A Female customer comes in..

You approach the customer..Smile..

"I can hear your fucking fat ugly mouth from outside" Says Customer..With a rather twisted look on her face..Kinda like she's gurning..

Now..What would you do...??

A: Grab her over the counter and chin her..
B: Say ."Oi you..You've had ya chip's..Ya barred!"
C: Do nothing..Let her rant..And seek your revenge later..

Well..Me? I smiled sweetly and Said in a very calm voice...
"Yes..Well..It makes a change as it's usually your's" ..Local loudmouth you see..

I could see the little vein start to twitch in her forehead..

Next minute..She start's waving her arm's in the air.. Ranting and swearing at me..Foaming at the mouth..

"You fucking fat bitch..Do you know why no one comes in here..Its cos they don't wanna look at your ugly fat face!Yadda..Yadda..Yadda..You are sooo fucking fat and ugly..Your jealous of the pretty people.. *finger wagging down her body* ..Yadda..Yadda..Yadda..*pauses for breath*..Im gunna have you bitch..Fucking fat c*nt.."...For about 5 minutes..Before flouncing off..

The whole while I just stood there nodding..Yawning in places.. Getting rather bored with the whole thing..But feeling my blood boil slighty..While my 70 year old boss looked on horrified..I mean women did not act like that in his day..

If I had not been at work..Id have chinned the bitch..And if I happen to see her when im off duty..I think my vein may twitch too!!

Note to Real Life readers.. If any of you happen to read this..Cos I knows you do.. Tell Loudmouth Im looking for her!!

Yesterday...I witnessed my little sister get married..She looked stunning! I was so proud of her.. I even had a little cry during the ceremony..Its was a lovely service..she walked down the aisle to a pianist..In a beautiful country hotel..We ate canapes in the garden..And quaffed too much free champagne...

After the vow's had been done..I had to get up and sign the certificate as I was her witness..As the photographer went to photograph the moment I heard.. "psstt..Milly..Ya boob's are hanging out!" .. Not by just one person though..By at least 3 or 4! Which obviously attracted a bit of attention!

Tucking myself in and blushing terribly I signed the certificate and smiled for the camera..Having a quick peek downwards to make sure they were still in place!  If I'd filled the dress..All would've been good..I just don't get why fashion designers assume big women have big boob's..I am the exception! I spent most of the day pulling my dress up..And then by the evening got too pissed on the free bubbly to care...Hence this photo of it all hanging out...

Ive often said that I look at my family as slighlty dis-funtional..But I honestly would'nt have it any other way!If you could have seen our table of 8 at dinner..Wondering what cutlery to use..Swapping food from plates as so and so did'nt eat that or it was'nt cooked right..It was like a scene from the Royle family..And I loved every minute of it ... I kept accosting the fit waiter every time he walked past to top up my glass before the free bubbly ran out...And when he told me it had..I even blagged another 2 bottles from him!

I also spent the night barefooted as I never did learn the art of walking in heels..Especially whilst drunk.. And asking the photographer to go 'Down on me' was not the right thing to say either!...That was meet with audible gasps by those who do not know me that well..and fit's of hysterics by those that do! .. Of course I meant for her to angle the camera down on me..Makes you look thinner!

The wedding cake was stunning..But I have to say that as it was made by my Mother..But it really was...

And...it was made from nothing but chocolate! It seemed such a shame to cut it...But it tasted beautifull!

The photo below is one of the bridesmaids..I had to lie on the floor and get them to circle me to get this one..And I love this photo! I also got one of all the blokes doing it aswell..And the photographer got one of me getting them ..Dread to think what that will look like..

And yes..One of mine is the one sticking her tongue out..Like mother like daughter ..Other one is opposite.

Midnight saw  myself ,parents and sibings huddled in a circle on a small hill in the grounds of the hotel ...as my sister took from her wedding bag  a small bag containing some of my late brothers ashes...We all kissed them before sprinkling them into the ground..It felt like he'd been with us that day too..But as we left to go home..So did he..

All in all..It was a fab day...I love a good wedding..As long as it aint mine

What is it with Debt Collecter's...??

My phone just rang..Just as I was led on the bed applying aftersun to my lobster red feet and legs.. For god's sake..Why now! Angles the phone under 1st chin,cheerily says "hello"

"Im calling from so and so want your money now"
After the usual "can you confirm you who you say you are crap.." She then goes on to ask me if I can pay the debt in full..

Can I pull rabbits from my ass... No!

I explain that I don't have that kinda money..She does a big sigh..I bite my toungue!She threatens that if I don't.. every month that I don't pay it they will add on a fee..I calmly explain that I am paying what I can afford monthly and if they continue to add monthly charges it will never get paid!

"Well..That's not my problem is it" she say's..Rather cockily..My blood is starting to boil ..And it has nowt to do with the heat I can tell ya.. She then say's..

"Well..You can expect a visit from our debt enforcers who will come to your home and take all your things..How about that"

At that point I actually laughed at her...And once Id started I just could'nt stop! Shes blabbering on about them having the power to seize everything from my tele to my car!

After composing myself..I told her to feel free to send them round..Asked her what time I should expect them..Do they take sugar in thier tea?...

Then reminded her that I live in rented accomodation that is furnished..So technically...I own fuck all!! Even my car is'nt in my name..Sooo..Unless you want the clothes from my back..Don't waste ya time love!!

She did'nt like that!

"At the end of the day..Be nice to me..Cos Im the one that's paying your wages..And yes..It might only be a small amount a month..But Im still paying it!" ..With that..She hung up!

Seriously...It's like harrasment..This company ring me up every bloody week..Fair enough if I was'nt paying it..But Im trying! And when you get bint's like that on the end of the phone..Grrrr...

I need a rich man...Any out there?? ... Either that or a job working the street's..But with my look's Id probably earn more sweeping em

That no one knew about ..and no one ever saw..How cool would that be!! Just think ..It would never go extinct or owt!

Anyway..On sunday,Whilst housesitting..I made a shocking discovery!One of the hamster's was not in it's cage..I dipped my hand cautiously in to the vast amount's of shredded paper...poking around trying to feel for it..No luck..

Panic starts to come in waves..I pace the room..

Think woman! It can't be far,Surely!Shit..Where's the cat!

Pull out the sofa..TV cabinet..Bookcase..Shake the cat.. Nothing!

I give up ..Sealing the living room off like a crime scene as I go..If it's in there,It aint getting out..Right?

Try to sleep but have images of it gnawing away at my face as I sleep..Can they climb stairs? And how am I gonna get outta this one..

"Sorry..Ive lost ya hamster..Ohh...Ya sky's not working?..Ummm..Maybe it's chewed through the wiring or something"

Anyway..To cut a very long story short..My well rehearsed speech..Full of .."But I am really sorry..I just dunno how it got out" ..Was met with laughter..

You see..there was no hamster in the cage! I had been dropping peices of apple..And plump juicy raisens into an empty fucking cage!! It had died the week before and as not to upset the kids..He'd not told them..Or me for that matter! At least I did'nt lose it..

I keep having flashbacks...Some really are not nice .. Anyway..Here's what I do remember..And Im sure someone will fill in the gap's in due course!!

The weekend started at 10am saturday morning..We were drinking on the coach by 11.30..By 1pm I was feeling rather merry and remember doing 'things' with the blow up man..Much to the amusement of the cars behind the coach!!

Some of the girls even treated the lorry driver's to a cheeky flash! Of course..You would'nt catch me doing anything like that...I left that for when when we were struggling to get a taxi after a long night on the piss... Amazing how quick them taxi driver's stop when ya get ya bap's out  

We arrived at our  Hotel.. 'The Chelsea Hotel' ...A welcoming home from home *Snrk*..Situated in the heart of the 'Red Light District'... My outfit was going to fit right in round here I thought! At least if money ran short I'd be ok! The area was proper rough as well ..but to be fair...Ya not expecting to stay in 5 star luxury..A gaggle of pissed up woman rolling in the door at lunchtime asking when the bar opens don't exactly start ya off on the right foot does it! No wonder she wanted a deposit for damages and possible theft the minute we got there!

After lining our stomachs and putting on warpaints I ended up looking summat like this...

But of course..You've all seen it anyway...And I was'nt pissed when I took the other ones!!
The night started off great and then much off it was a blur after that..Untill photo's like this started appearing on Facebook...

I can clearly remember he was wearing a badge that said 'Big Boy' on it... I was shouting at him,..
" How much of a big boy are ya now then huh?" ..He had a bigger welt than I did!! As his mates were pissing themselves laughing..This happened several times during the night..Randomly whipping men just because I could...and many asked for it...I even spanked the bus driver...He must have been in his 60's..  

Except when the whip got turned on me..By a tasty lady in the loo..Who told me that she could "do me" in that outfit! I have to admit I had serious doubt's about my sexuality that night... Ohhh..The dark side of alchohol!!

I also had a few moment's in the toilet's ...I now understand why women go in pairs cos after a few drink's I had real issue's with remembering which way I went back together..Was it undies,tight's,bodyshaper then spanx or what...I do know that I ended up flat on my back in the cubicle trying to figure it out..Cursing loudly.. whilst someone was giggling trying to take photo's under the door!! Please God...Let it off been one of the other Hen's

There are a few thing's that I said/did that I look back on and possibly regret...Like flashing at taxi's...Trying to pee up a lampost..It's ok..I lost my balance!..Asking the barman to "Give me a screaming Orgasm" in a seductive manner ...His face was priceless....I obviously just looked twatted...Trying to pole dance in a PVC dress...It sticks!...And drinking a bottle of wine  before going to Burlesque!...Jo Brand does Fame Academy!! ..And it's on YouTube...

But all in all..I really did have a fab weekend..Even if i did'nt win 'Best Tit's On Tour'... these did !!

And rightly so!!

Still..Ya only live once..don't ya...And im sure ive just lost a few year's of mine...But it sure was worth it!!

.. And very hungover!!

Brain is way to fuzzy to tell all .. Some things you share.. Some ya don't .. And truth is.. Alot of the weekend is a blur..

Like how I came to have a welt mark aross my arse.. Was'nt I the one doing the whipping?!.. And I have more bruises than the time the school bullies had me a good un with the metre stick!

But I had a fab weekend.. Even if I did'nt win the " Best Tits On Tour" award

Will post more when and if I remember.. Along with photos!!...

xx

Those photo's...

 *Disclaimer*

Before you scroll down...Be sure you really wanna look...I can't erase the image you are about to see...I shall not be held responsible for any nightmares said images may prevoke...Or fantasies they may arouse... Continue at your will...
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

  Mistress Milly!

There ya go!! ...Oi...Stop sniggering!!

xx

Big thanks to my daughter for her fab photography skills xx

Are on there way...

Soon...

Honest...

A few more cider's.. *hic*..

One Leather/Pvc eye Mask.. Preferably Black.. Similar to one seen in Ann Summer's ...But without the £20 price tag..

PM with details

Here's the thing...Hen weekend is less than 2 weeks away..I've been busy stitching and sewing my outfit..Buying bits and pieces to make it just right..

Anyway..The theme was Good and Bad..All the other Hens are going as Pirate's..SchoolGirl's..Robber's etc..
I decided..Foolishly To go as a  'Dominatrix' ! I dunno what I was thinking really... Id make a good 'Vicar of Dibley' to be fair...

 Convinced I could pull it off I set about buying these...

 Fingerless one's are a must..I have to be able to hold my glass... I reckon pvc's slippery when wet...

Then I came about a PVC dress from E Bay..A bargain at 20 quid....But it was as short as it was wide... Soo .. I painfully handstitched a feather Boa to the bottom...

 I shall be wearing it with a wide corset type belt thing to 'cinch' hold me in...Black stocking's..Knee length pvc boot's..Lacy garter..And a good sprinkling of curves

 And will be completing the outfit with this.

... And this.. ..And these..

 However....After revealing the outfit in it's entire form to my Brother last night...His face said it all...

His mouth ..For around a whole five minutes ressembled an arsehole!!

 D'ya think it's a bit much??

Oh yeah...Reason for the mask..When...Cos they will...The photo's appear on Facebook..I can deny that it's me...After all...Im wearing a mask!!