Big Fat Me

*Contains Naughty words and references..So don't read on if ya a puritan*

*Actual conversation*

BF-"Your weird you are"

Me-"Duly noted..And your telling me this because?.."

BF-"Why would you look at fetish websites..they are sick"

Me-"How do you know Ive been looking at fetish websites..Unless of course...you have been checking my fucking history and looking yourself..Which makes you sick by proxy..." *sigh*

*Long pause*

BF-"So..Why are you looking at them then?..Are'nt you even going to explain?"

Me-"Umm...No..Im not!Goodnight"

So..Why was I looking at fetish websites...

Whilst searching for a PVC/leather dress to wear to the hen night..After having decided to go as a dominatrix ... seeing as I already own most of the kit...I stumbled upon some rather weird sites..Purely by chance you understand...

If you type in plus size PVC..You'd be surprised at what it yeilds..And being the curious type..Of course I looked at a few..Who would'nt...But it really does'nt make me sick..Does it!?

And even I was surprised at what floats people's boats!!

Like this.. I mean..How can this be... 'Erotic' ...Or is it just me??

*Do not click play if you suffer from flashbacks*

And does she say .. " Do you like that horsie?" ...

*Ohhh..And by Fetish sites..I don't mean porn!*

Ok.. Its like this...

Are you a member of the Blog police.. Patrolling our posts.. Flagging
our 'inappropriate content'.. Over analyzing things..

If you are.. Please don't read this!! If you dont like what I write..
Dont read it.. And if you want to know something.. Please ask.. Dont
assume..

For the record.. The 'thing' that I refered to here .. Was infact a
rather large sum on money he had won at the races! Cos trust me... NO
bloke is ever gunna pull summat outta his pants that makes me gasp like
that!!

The 'partaking in illegal drug taking' is hardly something to be proud
of. Bragging about it to impressionable people is idiotic. As is the
habit itself...

It was 1 spliff.. It was home grown.. No pesticides.. Jesus!!
But I realise I should'nt promote 'toking'... So listen 'kids.. Drugs
is bad.. Dont do it.. 'K..'.

As this is my space.. And I pay the princly sum of €3.99 a month.. I
can pretty much say what I like.. If you dont like it.. Bollox!!

Ohhh.. And this goes to the real life readers... Hmmmm...

Friday night...

My mind was in the gutter...And I was good with that...Nothing a few beer's couldn't sort out..Right!

I had good intention's...Just a quick one...I promised to behave...

But me and alchamahol really are not friends...It turn's me into this 'thing'..I can't say I dislike it...I had a fab evening...But .. I seem to think that Im a weapon of mass seduction! Get a few beer's in me..And my confidence rocket's way above it's capabilities!!...Along with my mouth...

I had some very surreal conversations... I recall a man asking me if he could show me something...He said I'd like it... I did..I asked if I could touch it... Sober Milly would NOT have done that...

I made a welsh man cry..Not intentionally I may add...And I did hold him whilst he cried...He even left 'nasal fluid' on my jumper..He said I was 'Lovely'...We sat on a wall and smoked weed and giggled till our sides hurt..

In response to the irish guy who told me he was perfect in every way..."Ya Only perfect if you have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money!!"...

I remember telling one bloke..Who Id caught staring at me several times during the night...but not in a good way...More of a WTF is that kinda way.....I think it was the pint glass thing...That secretly I knew he wanted me..I could tell he was dying to get me into bed...And that he would'nt know what to do with me..

He actually smiled for the first time all night..and brought me a drink..And told me that he thought I was mental..Im not mental really..Im a bit like toblerone..All chocolate and honey to start with,...Then you soon realise im a little bit nutty..

So you see...that's why I don't go out much...Alcohol turn's me into a naughty girl..It's the little voices in my head that stop's me being bad...And even though I know the voices in my head aint real..they do have some pretty good ideas at times..

I Haz it .... I really,really Haz it..

I haz Bloggers Block..

But ya know what..It's been a fucked up week...Iv'e had 3 strange,irish men in my car..Sang "it's raining men" with the road workers whilst waiting at a 'Stop and Go'..Drank from a pint glass..In public....Held a crying welsh man in my arm's..Smoked weed..Got huttbutted by a horse..And been hungover!!

Not alot to see here...move along...

That I grew up ...

Tonight...I nearly got thrown outta Tesco's ...for 'Misbehaving'!!

The kid's watch this program..Dick And Dom or summat like that..And they do this challenge where they have to see who can shout 'Bogey' the loudest in a public place..Whilst being 'inconspicuous'...

Soooo...Me being the big kid that I am..Whilst browsing the 'Pickle' aisle...Pipes up..In a rather loud voice "BOGEY" .. Eldest flushes bright red and pretends she does not know me ..Wise girl ...Youngest literally wets therself...And decides to turn it into a competition..

The child in me will not turn down a dare,So we proceed round the store..Randomly saying 'Bogey' whenever the mood takes us...then collapsing in fits of giggles..Whilst being tutted at by eldest ~tsk~

This did not go down well with the old bag behind customer services.. Who chastised me as I left..Muttering something about leading by example! Yeh,Yeh..Whatever!!

And...Yesterday,I had a follow up eye appointment..And whilst sat talking to the consultant he turned to me..straight faced and said..

''Are you well lubricated at night'' .. And yes.. I did laugh...I could'nt help it... I think I may have snorted too

Of course..I knew he meant my eye..But the big kid in me really does fight it's way out.. So next time someone on the bus hits you on the head with one of them beads from a candy necklace..It's probably me!!

I think we all have a childish streak in us somewhere...Don't we??

xx

My youngest goes to a small village school where most of the kid's have double barrelled surnames..Driven to school in a 4x4 by there Mother's wearing head to toe tweed..Along with the dog in a matching coat!

And then there's me...Battered old ford fiesta...Wearing jeans,T Shirt and usually a hoodie!

It's certainly a case of them and us..Or should that be them and me..As I always stand alone whilst collecting her from school..They look at me like Im gunna bite or summat...And not once have they asked me to bake a cake or owt..Cos fuck me Id lace it with as much weed as I could just to see them crack a smile!

The 'Posh' versus 'chav' was so plain on saturday..Had to take youngest to a school event and the whole time I was there..Not one person spoke to me..not one!! My money is good enough...

But does the way I dress make me any different to them..Or is it the way I talk..Or that I live in a council house?? I must just be too chavvy for village life!! Oh well... I am who I am..If they don't like it .. 'Fack Orf'' !

....And thats only if the cat has got her hat on and lollipop lady says "No" to the midget wearing jodphurs... innit...

That was last night's Status update on FaceBook...

Now..It has got people thinking that Im either stoned...On the verge of a breakdown...Or that Im nuttier than a squirrels fart!!

Truth is..It's neither! It's all down to a new application called 'Status Shuffle' that has 'off the wall' sayings...And I love them!

Here's a few of the ones that made me chuckle.

Has just farted in the bath and nearly drowned tryin 2 smell it!

Wonders..If when I'm good.. I'm good, and when I'm bad.. I'm better..what am I when I'm covered in caramel?

Wants to know is blu tack really smurf poo

Is wondering if Alice has any of that mushroom left?

Wonders if you undo your belly button does your bum really fall off?

Lead yourself not into temptation... follow me I know a fu*kin shortcut

Is living in her own little world.....but it`s OK. Everybody knows me in here...

Is soooo perfect she pisses glitter

Thinks that her imaginary friends are making fun of her...but it's okay...I'm giving them the silent treatment until they apologize

Well..there ya have it..Childish I know..but..It's compulsory to GROW OLD but optional to GROW UP

xx

Im not really sure what I want to say if Im honest..Do I say I miss you and that for every second you have been gone...My heart has pained...

Do I tell you how I still weep when I realise you really have gone..Like in the middle of the night moments.. Or that Id give anything to see Mum smile again...

The hole you have left in our lives will never be repaired...For I miss you as much now as I did then ...

But... You already know that...Don't you?

If we could have a lifetime wish
And one dream that could come true
We would pray to God with all our hearts
Just to see and speak to you

A thousand words won’t bring you back
 We know because we’ve tried
And neither will a million tears
 We know because we’ve cried

You’ve left behind our broken hearts
And precious memories too
 But we’ve never wanted memories
 We only wanted you

Anon

7/11/1972 ~ 7/3/2008

'Intimate secrets' read the rather large label on the package I received this morning..As the postie handed it to he winked...

I assumed it would come in a plain box...He assumed I was in for a good night..

I have a hen weekend coming up in may..A weekend of clubbing in Bournemouth..And it's fancy dress!! I decided to go as a police woman... Black stocking's,handcuff's,Black dress...The truncheon has a multitude of uses...

I open the box excitedly..To find the dress was more like a cheap T Shirt ..It was level with me bit's and Id spend all night making sure I was 'tucked in' ... And the handcuffs were plastic...giving me no hope of capturing my prey for the night..And to cap it all off...The truncheon is tiny !

Oh well..Best look for summat else me thinks...Trouble is..I want summat that look's sexy-ish...but fat and Sexy do not belong in the same sentence in MY vocabulary! Oh well...there's always that 'Vicar Of Dibley' costume on E Bay

Oh..And to humiliate me even more...We are having a 2 hour 'Burlesque' Dancing lesson...I'll do it but I draw the line at wearing 'Tassles'...Wish me luck won't ya!!