Big Fat Me

Well..We all know that times are hard..And I for one was certainly bitten by the credit crunch ..And always seem to find that there is just too much month left at the end of the money..

But we all have to eat..And having survived this last week on Nutrigrain bar's and Hula Hoop's ..I decided the memory lapses were probably due to lack of vitamins so thought that I had better go grocery shopping..

The hole in the wall said "No chance lady..Overdrawn the overdraft.."..

Great..Ok..Whats in the wallet.. ..Right..*mad count up of all monies in house* ..

Scraped up around £60ish..Was Richer than I thought *smugness* ...And a £6.50 clubcard voucher ~Bonus~

Also discovered a set of 'Money Off' coupons from yesterday Daily Mail..Totalling £11..With a catch of course...

You had to spend a certain amount in each 'Aisle' to qualify for the discount.. ie: Spend £10 on Meat to get £2.50 off.. £8 on Fruit and Veg to save £2..And so on..Covering everytning to household products to sweets!

Anyway..Being the chavvy thrifty shopper that I am... and always seeking out the B.O.G.O.F.s and half price offer's..I really made my 'allocated' spend in each section work for me!

Yes..The shopper behind me was probably chuckling as I patiently checked which voucher was used for what section..How much we had spent and what we were saving ..And constantly adding it up to see if we had hit the discount level yet

Knowing that I only had ..In thoery £66.50 of 'real' money..The trolley was looking a bit too full..And panicking that I might have to put summat back..The shame! ..I had to scan through my trolley and vouchers one more time..

Convinced..but not quite sure..I heads to the checkout..

Watches the total..£80.. *gulps*

Hand's over vouchers.. *mad bleeping*

..plus Multibuy's and B.O.G.O.F discounts..£51..Result!

.. My mathematical's aint so shite after all..And who said shopping was boring

And..I shall eat like queen tonight as I haz real food in now..And strawberries..With cream! *Cream was free!*

Imagine The Scene...

You work in a Chipshop..Just pretend ok!

You are having a giggle with your boss..As you quite often do..A Female customer comes in..

You approach the customer..Smile..

"I can hear your fucking fat ugly mouth from outside" Says Customer..With a rather twisted look on her face..Kinda like she's gurning..

Now..What would you do...??

A: Grab her over the counter and chin her..
B: Say ."Oi you..You've had ya chip's..Ya barred!"
C: Do nothing..Let her rant..And seek your revenge later..

Well..Me? I smiled sweetly and Said in a very calm voice...
"Yes..Well..It makes a change as it's usually your's" ..Local loudmouth you see..

I could see the little vein start to twitch in her forehead..

Next minute..She start's waving her arm's in the air.. Ranting and swearing at me..Foaming at the mouth..

"You fucking fat bitch..Do you know why no one comes in here..Its cos they don't wanna look at your ugly fat face!Yadda..Yadda..Yadda..You are sooo fucking fat and ugly..Your jealous of the pretty people.. *finger wagging down her body* ..Yadda..Yadda..Yadda..*pauses for breath*..Im gunna have you bitch..Fucking fat c*nt.."...For about 5 minutes..Before flouncing off..

The whole while I just stood there nodding..Yawning in places.. Getting rather bored with the whole thing..But feeling my blood boil slighty..While my 70 year old boss looked on horrified..I mean women did not act like that in his day..

If I had not been at work..Id have chinned the bitch..And if I happen to see her when im off duty..I think my vein may twitch too!!

Note to Real Life readers.. If any of you happen to read this..Cos I knows you do.. Tell Loudmouth Im looking for her!!

Yesterday...I witnessed my little sister get married..She looked stunning! I was so proud of her.. I even had a little cry during the ceremony..Its was a lovely service..she walked down the aisle to a pianist..In a beautiful country hotel..We ate canapes in the garden..And quaffed too much free champagne...

After the vow's had been done..I had to get up and sign the certificate as I was her witness..As the photographer went to photograph the moment I heard.. "psstt..Milly..Ya boob's are hanging out!" .. Not by just one person though..By at least 3 or 4! Which obviously attracted a bit of attention!

Tucking myself in and blushing terribly I signed the certificate and smiled for the camera..Having a quick peek downwards to make sure they were still in place!  If I'd filled the dress..All would've been good..I just don't get why fashion designers assume big women have big boob's..I am the exception! I spent most of the day pulling my dress up..And then by the evening got too pissed on the free bubbly to care...Hence this photo of it all hanging out...

Ive often said that I look at my family as slighlty dis-funtional..But I honestly would'nt have it any other way!If you could have seen our table of 8 at dinner..Wondering what cutlery to use..Swapping food from plates as so and so did'nt eat that or it was'nt cooked right..It was like a scene from the Royle family..And I loved every minute of it ... I kept accosting the fit waiter every time he walked past to top up my glass before the free bubbly ran out...And when he told me it had..I even blagged another 2 bottles from him!

I also spent the night barefooted as I never did learn the art of walking in heels..Especially whilst drunk.. And asking the photographer to go 'Down on me' was not the right thing to say either!...That was meet with audible gasps by those who do not know me that well..and fit's of hysterics by those that do! .. Of course I meant for her to angle the camera down on me..Makes you look thinner!

The wedding cake was stunning..But I have to say that as it was made by my Mother..But it really was...

And...it was made from nothing but chocolate! It seemed such a shame to cut it...But it tasted beautifull!

The photo below is one of the bridesmaids..I had to lie on the floor and get them to circle me to get this one..And I love this photo! I also got one of all the blokes doing it aswell..And the photographer got one of me getting them ..Dread to think what that will look like..

And yes..One of mine is the one sticking her tongue out..Like mother like daughter ..Other one is opposite.

Midnight saw  myself ,parents and sibings huddled in a circle on a small hill in the grounds of the hotel ...as my sister took from her wedding bag  a small bag containing some of my late brothers ashes...We all kissed them before sprinkling them into the ground..It felt like he'd been with us that day too..But as we left to go home..So did he..

All in all..It was a fab day...I love a good wedding..As long as it aint mine

What is it with Debt Collecter's...??

My phone just rang..Just as I was led on the bed applying aftersun to my lobster red feet and legs.. For god's sake..Why now! Angles the phone under 1st chin,cheerily says "hello"

"Im calling from so and so want your money now"
After the usual "can you confirm you who you say you are crap.." She then goes on to ask me if I can pay the debt in full..

Can I pull rabbits from my ass... No!

I explain that I don't have that kinda money..She does a big sigh..I bite my toungue!She threatens that if I don't.. every month that I don't pay it they will add on a fee..I calmly explain that I am paying what I can afford monthly and if they continue to add monthly charges it will never get paid!

"Well..That's not my problem is it" she say's..Rather cockily..My blood is starting to boil ..And it has nowt to do with the heat I can tell ya.. She then say's..

"Well..You can expect a visit from our debt enforcers who will come to your home and take all your things..How about that"

At that point I actually laughed at her...And once Id started I just could'nt stop! Shes blabbering on about them having the power to seize everything from my tele to my car!

After composing myself..I told her to feel free to send them round..Asked her what time I should expect them..Do they take sugar in thier tea?...

Then reminded her that I live in rented accomodation that is furnished..So technically...I own fuck all!! Even my car is'nt in my name..Sooo..Unless you want the clothes from my back..Don't waste ya time love!!

She did'nt like that!

"At the end of the day..Be nice to me..Cos Im the one that's paying your wages..And yes..It might only be a small amount a month..But Im still paying it!" ..With that..She hung up!

Seriously...It's like harrasment..This company ring me up every bloody week..Fair enough if I was'nt paying it..But Im trying! And when you get bint's like that on the end of the phone..Grrrr...

I need a rich man...Any out there?? ... Either that or a job working the street's..But with my look's Id probably earn more sweeping em